Google Translator

Where He Gets ‘Em From Is Beyond Me

The ‘ol man occasionally sends me the odd joke, this one had me chuckling no end. It’s prob an oldy but I like it. A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink, after which he proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy-o, Laddi-o and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath , he didn’t kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was ‘stoned off his ass.’
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for this is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.”
14. And just to remind you – next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Share