Posts Tagged ‘LOL’
One Liners
November 4, 2010 | 
Author I like #21 
1. Two blondes walk into a building ……. you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message – ‘..If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’. ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ ‘It’s not unusual.’
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’ ‘No, because he’s really heavy’.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it..’
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat git!’
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’. The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go to those places anymore!
21. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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The Ski Lodge
Damn jokes are comin’ in thick n fast lately
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamt I was skiing!”
THE CAT
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away.
‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!’
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Secret Service
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the army of the Lord, Father.”
The Preacher questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
With a totally straight face, he whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”