hahaha

World Naked Bike Ride Day – WTF???

Now I know for a fact the world has gone mad.

I know I shouldn’t be trolling the news sites but some just make me laugh me head off, stories as such as this one. World Naked Bike Ride Day or what ever the hell it’s called. They (the organisers) had to call the cops in coz some dude cracked a boner BAHAHAHAHAHAHA woddadick!!!

The story is here

Local Call

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in London taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘£10,000 per call’. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Lincoln, there, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American. He then travelled to York , Rotherham , Sheffield Dewsbury, and Pickering , In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘£10,000 per call’ sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel down to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.

He arrived in Rhoose, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’50 pence per call.’ The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve travelled all over England and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50 pence here?’

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Wales now, son …. it’s a local call.’

One Liners

I like #21 🙂

1.  Two blondes walk into a building ……. you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.  Phone answering machine message – ‘..If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’

3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’

6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’  The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

8.  I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.  Police say that he topped himself.

11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.  Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

12.  ‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’.  ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’  ‘Is it common?’  ‘It’s not  unusual.’

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’  ‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What?  Because he’s cross-eyed?’  ‘No, because he’s  really heavy’.

14.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15.  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’  I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it..’

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think it’s Colin.

17. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat git!’

18.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. ‘You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

20.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’.  The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go to those places anymore!

21.   Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.  Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

The Ski Lodge

Damn jokes are comin’ in thick n fast lately 🙂

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamt I was skiing!”

Secret Service

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the army of the Lord, Father.”

The Preacher questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

With a totally straight face, he whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”