The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.
Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book’s author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.
Here are some extracts…
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
Listed Scorpions Virgin Killer the one with the banned cover, dutifully blurred the offending bit out and left it. Just checked and it had been cancelled by eBay because it broke their rules???? Pardon me but IT WAS BLURRY YA FUCKWITS!!!
Anyhoo I just relisted it with a big white square over the offending bits – let’s see if they cancel that one as well.
UPDATE: The bastards did delete the above one, so now I’ve relisted it and it looks like this
This is the link to it http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/111358010930
Men Are Just Happier People
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Shorty and Lofty.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £52.50. None of them will have anything smaller.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators…YES!!!
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
A man has five items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, razor, soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
It seems like the cock heads are out and about, this IP 22.214.171.124 has tried 16 times to get in to the site – apparently it belongs to ukrtel.net which at a guess comes up as a Ukrainian site. This dickhead however takes the cake 126.96.36.199 a frog IP address – 4 pages of attempts to access the admin side of the site.
How’s this for an idea?
I’ve been using a gallery script for ages and since WP has been upgrading the gallery script started to error and the author has pretty much said ‘tough’ – damn glad I didn’t him money for it the wanker!! Now I gotta work out this new one that seems to like to knacker up the CSS
This is not from the Suite Espanola, just a bonus track.
Prelude in E – Manuel Maria Ponce